Sitting in a Very Tiny Boat, Floating in a VERY Large Ocean

I requested my transcripts for application to grad school last week. I have been having some freakouts these past few months, mainly consisting of "What am I going to do with my life?" and "Do I really want to do a Ph.d in History?", "Is it worth it?", etc. etc.

Recently, I have been going through that period of stress that college seniors usually get in their final semester, I didn't have because I knew what I was going to do after college back in January '06. That's pretty early. So, it's a very delayed reaction, to the point that I was considering going to law school, but I don't think that's a good fit for me. So for now, Plan A is to submit applications, and think for the next 7 months. I have all the paperwork (sans personal statement) ready for "Ph.d History applications" so I might as well put them in. Besides, one of them is going to be free.

Prof. S. put me in contact with a 6th year Ph.d. student over at one of the schools that I am seriously, seriously eyeing. I called him up yesterday and we had a nice chat. I reiterated what I told PRof. S. about my anxieties regarding grad school: "Sometimes I feel that I am in this very tiny boat, in a very large ocean."

I am all by myself in Japan, at least departmental-wise. I do not have access to the research lab/room for the kids in my department (we need to swipe IDs and the grad student was really surprised to hear that) and the grad students going for a degree treat me like I am over there, and they are over here. Like Iam this wierd species, and I seriously think one of them just hates me on principle because I am not Japanese, in the same program that he is in and that I am just taking up space since I am on scholarship and not going for a degree.

It's extremely hierarchical there and I hate it. I wished I was back over at Kyodai or something bcause in all seriousness, the only good thing about Rits is my professor. Even my friends who were research students were granted access into the research labs when they were research students at Kyodai. I just have the overcrowded library.

Which is why next semester, I am quite happy that I am just going in once a week on Thursdays for my sensei's seminar; I can study in the library at Kyodai which is nicer and I have my computer access code still in use, and Chen's extra library card to get in. And I will save money too - taking the bus took quite a toll on my fiannces everyday and I coulnd't get the collge discount because I was not considered an actualy college student. Load of crap that was.

In short, I had no one to talk to about grad school especially those in the US and I was freaking out. 6th year student told me that it was totally normal and everyone in the first year goes through that "WTF am I doing here?" phase. It's good to know that I am not the only one, but let me tell you, Japan is lonely. Good thing I am going to TA this semester, else I would not have much to look forward too, really.

There is a big pause button on my life, being in Japan and while I do enjoy my time there and an gratefull for my experiences there I am ready to move onward. Even if that means scaring the crap out of myself, and stepping into unknown and unsure territory.

I made a schedule for this coming semester this time, blocking out periods of time to do things, since I am only going to be in class for no more than 6 hours a week, with Ta-ing, Bungo lessons with my sensei and me twiddling my thumbs in the back of his seminar.

I tried it last semester and while it was good in theory, I totally messed up because I took too many classes. I think I am not going to take Japanese in the fall at Kyodai if I can (rather study on my own for JLPT), save say one composition course or something, no more than two or three. I have not tried a composition course yet, and I would like to jazz up my speaking and listening maybe (though I hardly doubt I'll take the listening, I didn't like the one I took last time). Mybe not speaking either, since I plan to rejoin the KIXS (International Student exchange group at Kyodai) and just start talking at the weekly dinners.

But I will continue with the gym. I was thinking of ending my membership but I can afford it if I budget. I was a totaly mess last semester.