Surrounded by Ostriches

I HATE the Japanese bureaucracy. ANY form of it. If it's an office in Japan I am biased against it. Period.

According to one of the International Student directors at Ritsumeikan, it is a "little difficult" for me to take Japanese classes.

WHO IS TO SAY THAT IT IS DIFFICULT FOR ME to take Japanese classes, when I WANT to take them?

I saw red when he told me that. I kept my composure, and told him that I understand that it is difficult and it would be a challenge, but I don't mind a challenge. Furthermore, I would be taking only two regular classes that meet once a week and I DO NOT MIND that the Japanese classes meet 5 times a week - all the better, really!

I know why there is such a problem. I am asking for something that is outside of the box - the Japanese language classes are part of a particular program, and all I am asking is to just sit in, partake in the lessons and do the homework. BUT - because I am not officially in the program, I cannot cross-register. Colleen has the same problem over at Kyodai when it deals with something outside of her department. If it is outside the collective umbrella of a particular place, or disrupts the "wa" of the place that you are in already, it seems that Japanese people just push you off to the next person, or act like ostriches and stick their heads in the sand..."La, la, la, chotto matte, muzukashii kedo..."

I

DO

NOT

CARE

if it is "a little difficult." Bring it on! I need a challenge. I even told the director that other Monbusho students at Rits have told me that they took courses with the SKP program - that got his attention. I also told him that it is necessary for my research that I continue Japanese classes. So, I gave him the information on the classes that I took to the best of my memory - main one being the basic textbook that I used last semester, that I passed JLPT level 3 and I want to take JLPT level 2 this winter.

I literally had road rage (damn pedestrians!) while riding my bike back over to my neck of the woods.

So tonight/tomorrow I am going to write off an email to my sensei asking about ID and all, where do I go and that I would like to take his seminar (saw the syllabus, good chance and a challenge for me to try to do my research really in Japanese since I have to write a paper) and ask how do I register. Also in the email, I am going to let him know of my problem, and ask if he has any suggestions on what should I do.

I am just very afraid that my Japanese won't get any better than it is now, and then when I take my language tests at the start of my Ph.d prog I will do poorly (AND I have to take another language!), then I won't be able to pass my languge exams to get me to the ABD stage, then I will fail out of the program, waste 4-5 years of my life and then start from scratch again. And then what?

It is a serious, mega fear of mine - failing at what I am trying to accomplish right now. I am a serious mild Type-A with a dash of OCD sort of person (think Cristina from Grey's Anatomy but not bitchy and cold like her) when it comes to school and work - I have worked so hard with so little and pretty much been the scrappy one with the language so it's been a bit more difficult and now with the mild stress of applying to grad school which leads me to try and rethink my project, I just feel that it's all crap and for naught.

One ironic upside is that if I can't take Japanese classes, then I guess I have every motivation to work even harder in my regular classes (of which I will take 3 instead of 2) and get some Kanji workbooks/JLPT level 2 workbooks and those grammar dictionaries from the Japan Times because I know I need to focus on reading, grammar/vocab and kanji - the speaking and the listening can come by when I am in class and meet Japanese kids; my new friend from Rits, Ulyana says that she learned more in her regular classes than her actual Japanese classes (she even said the SKP classes weren't that great, but I need some structure).

Maybe the no Japanese classes would be a good thing since I can focus on what I really want to do in terms of the language, don't have to waste my time and have more time with the actual regular classes, and then get more practical application, which is what I also want and need more than a boring grammar lesson. I think I am just afraid to step out of that "Japanese language class" bubble.

Blogging helps me think. I see more pink now, not red.